Davina, I Care.
17 Jun
I have to discuss this now because I feel like this is the right time of year. I’ve come to realise that I have an enormous irk. It seems really silly but it agitates me no end and that friends, is when people bad mouth Davina McCall. I don’t know if you’ve watched this TV show, it’s on the television and it’s called Big Brother. Davina presents it. This programme is fairly distasteful. All it really consists of is the UK’s biggest morons running around a house like a bunch of hyperactive chicken drumsticks. I’d say that Davina does a pretty good job of jazzing it up. Not only does she nail presenting, but she also holds grand rank as my God Sister. What in hells bells is a God Sister I hear you ask? Well, this one time my parents joined a cult…
…Just kidding gang!
No really. It means that we share a God Father, Colin, who is this tough old bag that lives in Fulham. The other day I visited Colin in Fulham and he told me that the police had found a dead body wrapped in a shower curtain under next door’s patio. Yes! A murder mystery! Not in Wisteria Lane! In Fulham! Put that in your back pocket Hackney. Anyway, I digress. Colin, Davina and I, we’re like a sub family. If anything were to happen to Davina’s or my parents, god forbid, Colin would be in charge of us and we would live off sardines and marmalade until the end of time. Looking at this though, I don’t think Davina eats that much anyway. Look at that for a rejection! She’s pushing away Colin’s sardines and marmalade in disgust.
Because the UK is as boring as an old squash, often there is little to talk about other than the TV. This is when the conversation turns to Davina. Most people think she’s ‘annoying’ or ‘over the top’ or ‘acts like a small child with ADD has taken residence inside of her and exploded’. That last one’s a little unfair don’t you think? All I can do when this happens is look at my shoes. As much as Davina is my goddam sister, at this point, I don’t want to explain the family connection and make the other want to look at their shoes as well. So I leave it, and take one for team Davina.
BUT. Remember that time when Peter Pan told us that every time a child says they don’t believe in fairies, there’s a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead? Yes? Well. Every time someone calls Davina ‘annoying’ look at what happens to her. Look. LOOK!!! This is overpowering me right now.
Do you really want to be responsible for this? Do you? When the words are stewing in the big word pot in your brain, remember this image. Tie a knot in your mean pipes and clamp your mouth shut.
I love Davina because she’s pretty darn fun. She used to date Eric Clapton of Clapton-On-Sea when she was 19 and was one of those mad 80’s MTV kids who took so much coke on air, they all (apart from Davina) ended up with faces that look like a gnarled old piece of bark. Contrary to popular belief, she was not a prozzer. FACT (alright Holly and Dave you pair of pizza orbs??). Look how much that old pervert Dermot loves her!
I know what you’re thinking. Everyone looks good next to Dermot. He’s like an overgrown bear chubb.
Once, she wrote me this note on a card that looked something like this:
Is it me, or does she look like an Eastern European car trader? Who wears a polo neck, underneath a leather blazer with lapels THAT POINTY? Who wears a leather blazer full stop? Those things are awful. Honestly Davina. Anyway, the note said something like ‘I remember when your dad used to call me Shark…’ then I think she said something about how much she liked Jamie Oliver’s cooking…Why would she say that? I don’t know. I remember thinking, ‘who in god’s kitchen is Jamie Oliver? Why does he have two first names? What the fuck is going on here Davi?’
My brain boggles as to why people feel the need to talk out of their business ends about Davina. It’s not cool and it’s not funny. It’s sad. Like I am when I have to listen to that crap. So remember what I said and remember the picture of her bleeding throat. It’s just a little something for you to stew on. For now.
